Top 25 Reasons Why Kirk Is a Better Captain Than Picard
- Picard's female officers think the captain's "log" is some kind
of wimpy electronic journal.
- Ever see Kirk wearing a freakin' jumpsuit?
- Picard never met Joan Collins, but if he did, he still couldn't
- Kirk never straightened out his shirt when he stood up.
- Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy.
- There was no Klingon word for "defeat" - until they met Kirk.
- Picard lets the chief of security wear a ponytail.
- One question: what would Kirk have done if he saw a female doctor
bending over the operating table?
- How they react to cute, cuddly creatures on the bridge?
Picard: Encourage science officer to adopt one.
Kirk: Beam their cute, cuddly, little butts aboard Klingon ship.
- How they would react to Deanna's mother?
Picard: Embarrassed tolerance.
Kirk: Bribe Q to time-travel her butt to the Ceti-Alpha system, and let her read
Kahn's mind for a while.
- How they spend their captain's salary?
Picard: Wise inter galactic investments, and an occasional splurge on an ancient
Kirk: Blow it all on purple booze and green-skinned hookers.
- Idea of a good time:
Picard: Wine-tasting with ambassadors.
Kirk: Toga party with Scotty.
- Favorite character in 20th century Earth history:
Picard: Neville Chamberlain.
Kirk: Wilt Chamberlain.
- What they do when confronted with a living entity that doesn't
Picard: Try all reasonable and prudent means to communicate.
Kirk: If it moves, it's toast.
- What they do when Starfleet calls with unwanted directions?
Picard: Serious kissing of withered old admiral-butt.
Kirk: Leave communicator off the hook.
- How would they relate to Counselor Troy's mind-reading?
Picard: Purify thoughts with advanced Zen technique.
Kirk: Might as well get naked. She knows what's coming.
- How do they use the holodeck?
Picard: Wimpy 1930's detective fantasies.
Kirk: Two words: virtual nookie.
- Adolescent Years:
Picard: Squishing grapes in quaint French vineyard.
Kirk: Dating four-breasted cheerleaders in Xabulon system.
Picard: No known children.
Kirk: All known children.
- How did they do at Starfleet academy?
Picard: Flunked entrance exam.
Kirk: Re-programmed Kobiashi Moru. Doesn't believe in defeat.
- What is the result of encounters with unidentified Romulans?
Kirk: Fires at them.
Picard: Gets fired at.
- How deal with primitive new civilizations:
Picard: Assist development within parameters of prime directive.
Kirk: Sleep with women, exploit men for cheap labor.
- How they would react to Wesley?
Picard: Encourage development of mental and leadership skills.
Kirk: Use kid to get to mom.
- One question: even though Kirk would turn out to be Wesley's
father, how long would he let him stay on the bridge?
- One Spanish word: cojones.
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