Index of Jokes in English

Sat 13 October 2007

Golden Toilet

On the first working day of the New Year, Peter told his friend Paul, "You won't believe me. I participated the New Year's Eve party at John's. And there I recognized that they have a golden toilet!" "No, I don't believe that," answered Paul. "John likes ...
Wed 19 November 2003

The World's Shortest Books

"My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by O.J. Simpson The Difference between Reality and Dilbert Human Rights Advances in China "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman Al Gore: The Wild Years Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean America's Most Popular Lawyers ...
Sun 16 November 2003

Life as an American

We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off. We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can ...
Thu 13 November 2003

Corporate Lessons

Corporate lesson 1 A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs ...
Mon 10 November 2003

Cheney and the Bushes on a Plane

Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy." Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ...
Fri 07 November 2003

Rules for Marriage

A macho man married a beautiful young thing. On their honeymoon, he laid down the rules, "Now here's the way it's gonna be: I'll go hunting or fishing or card-playing or drinking with my buddies anytime I want to, with no hassle from you. And I'll ...
Tue 04 November 2003

U.S. Presidents on the Titanic

Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly. Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc. Reagan shouts, "Women and children first." Nixon goes, "Fuck the women." Clinton replies, "Do you think we have time?"
Sat 01 November 2003

George W. Bush's Intelligence Quiz

While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions ...
Wed 29 October 2003

The Roosters

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he bought a young cock from ...
Sun 26 October 2003

Confession

An elderly Frenchman who is a Catholic goes to confession and says to the Priest, "Father, I have been a very bad man. I have come to seek forgiveness for my sins." The Priest can see that the man has a great deal on his mind and says, "Tell me ...
Thu 23 October 2003

Cold Hands

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them ...
Mon 20 October 2003

American History 101

It was the first day of school and a new student, Suzuki, son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade class. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history." The teached asked, "Who said, 'Give me Liberty or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of ...
Fri 17 October 2003

George W. Solves a Puzzle

George W. Bush's closest advisors came to visit him at the White House one evening, and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago. When asked why he was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was ...
Tue 14 October 2003

Atheist in the Woods

One beautiful morning an atheist was walking through the forest, admiring nature's beauties. He looked up and saw the trees swaying in the wind high above him, and he smiled. He saw the river glittering in the sun, and it made him warm inside. He thought to himself that ...
Sat 11 October 2003

Survivor, Texas-Style

Network TV is reported to be developing a "Texas version" of "Survivor," the recent popular TV show. Contestants must travel from Amarillo through Fort Worth, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and Lubbock. Each will be driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads ...
Wed 08 October 2003

George W. Bush Meets Moses

George W. Bush was walking through an airport last week, when he saw an old man with white hair, a long white beard, wearing a long white robe and holding a staff. He walked up to the man, who was staring at the ceiling, and asked, "Excuse me sir, aren ...
Sun 05 October 2003

Old Ladies, Cigarettes, and Condoms

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke (that's the only place they could smoke at the nursing home) when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady Two ...
Thu 02 October 2003

George W. Bush and the Jews

President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks, "How come the Jews know everything before we do?" The CIA chief says, "It's simple. The Jews have an expression, Nu, Vus Tutzuch (English translation: What's Happening). They just ask each other and that's how they ...
Mon 29 September 2003

Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. Baby conceived naturally... Scientists stumped. Authentic year 2000 "chad ...
Fri 26 September 2003

One-Liners of Women for Men

Q: Why did God give men penises? A: So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up. Q: How is a woman like a laxative? A: They both irritate the shit out of you. Q: What's worse than a male chauvinist pig? A: A woman ...
Tue 23 September 2003

State Mottos

Alabama Hell Yes, We Have Electricity Alaska 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona But It's A Dry Heat Arkansas Literacy Ain't Everything California By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda Colorado If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother Connecticut Like Massachusetts, Only ...
Sat 20 September 2003

Second Honeymoon

The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon." "Uh huh," agreed the old man. "We will do all the things that we did ...
Wed 17 September 2003

Spelling Problems

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause ...
Sun 14 September 2003

Dear Redneck Son

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from home, so we moved. I won't be able to send ...
Thu 11 September 2003

Actual Slogans from Women's T-Shirts

Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares? I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them. Next mood swing: 6 minutes. I hate everybody, and you're next. Please don't make me ...
Mon 08 September 2003

Democrat and Proud of It

A first grade teacher in the Midwest is explaining to her class that she is a Republican and how nice it is that a new Republican president has taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Republicans and support George Bush. Everyone in class ...
Fri 05 September 2003

The Definition of a Good Date

These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time. The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up." The second one ...
Tue 02 September 2003

Role Reversal

Several years before the Gulf War, a female journalist did a story on gender roles in Kuwait. She noted that there it was customary for women to walk 10 feet behind their husbands. After the war, she returned to Kuwait and was pleased to observe that now the men walked ...
Sat 30 August 2003

75th Wedding Anniversary

An elderly couple is sharing an intimate dinner in honor of their 75th wedding anniversary. The man says softly, "Dear, there is something I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our sixth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now, let me assure you ...
Wed 27 August 2003

Redneck First-Aid

Two Southerners were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole, when they heard an awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a Specialty Burger too fast. The first Southerner said to the other, "Think ...
Sun 24 August 2003

A Shot in the Heart

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol ...
Thu 21 August 2003

God and the Environmentalists

In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth... He was then faced with a class action lawsuit for failing to file an environmental impact statement from HEPA (Heavenly Environmental Protection Agency), an angelically staffed agency dedicated to keeping the universe pollution free. God was granted a temporary permit for the ...
Mon 18 August 2003

Women: The Best Troops Around

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause. Train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally ...
Fri 15 August 2003

Cows and Politics Explained

A christian democrat You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor. A socialist You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. An American republican You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what? An American democrat You have ...
Tue 12 August 2003

Computer Redneck

10 ways to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer: The monitor is up on blocks Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them The six front keys have rotted out The extra RAM slots have Dodge Truck parts stored in them The numeric keypad only goes up ...
Sat 09 August 2003

Investment Advice

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00. With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had bought $1,000.00 ...
Wed 06 August 2003

The Religious Man and the Atheist

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a ...
Sun 03 August 2003

Puzzled President

Cheney gets a call from his boss, W. "I've got a problem," says W. "What's the matter?" asks Cheney. "Well, you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so, I got a jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and ...
Thu 31 July 2003

Making Fish Sticks

One day a little boy walked in on his parents doing it and asked what they were doing. The parents' reply was that they were making fish sticks. So the little boy left it at that. A few nights later the little boy walks in on them again, and this ...
Mon 28 July 2003

Only in America

Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions ...
Fri 25 July 2003

Ghosts in the White House

One night, George W. Bush is awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Bush asks, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises. The next night, the ghost of Thomas ...
Tue 22 July 2003

Double Martini on the Rocks

A business man enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes the second one, he again peeks inside his ...
Sat 19 July 2003

The Great Wizard of Oz

The last four ex-U.S. Presidents were caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to Oz. They finally made it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard. "What brings you before the Great Wizard of Oz?" Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly, "I've come for some ...
Wed 16 July 2003

Opening for an Assassin

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks ...
Sun 13 July 2003

Mistresses

A husband and his wife are having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and demands, "Who was that ...
Thu 10 July 2003

Late for Work

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week, and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" the boss asked sarcastically. "Let me hear a good excuse for a change." Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss ...
Mon 07 July 2003

Brain Tumor

A man went to the doctor's. The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news." The patient sighed, "Okay, give me the bad news first." "The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor." The patient looked very grave ...
Fri 04 July 2003

Einstein, Picasso and Bush at the Pearly Gates

Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into heaven. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks ...
Tue 01 July 2003

Computer Viruses

The following information, from credible sources, is intelligence on the latest viruses sweeping across the information superhighways in 2002. Take extreme caution and be on high virus alert at all times! The George W. Bush Virus Causes your computer to think it won the election even though the motherboard and ...
Sat 28 June 2003

Cinderella at the Age 75

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said ...
Wed 25 June 2003

No Jews

Late one night, many years ago, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod - one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full." The Jewish lady said, "But your ...
Sun 22 June 2003

A Hermaphrodite Baby

A woman gives birth to a baby. Afterwards, the doctor comes in, and says, "I have to tell you something about your baby." The woman sits up in bed and asks, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong?" The doctor replies, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly ...
Thu 19 June 2003

Good and Bad News from the Doctor

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?" Patient, "Well, give me the bad news first." Doctor, "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left ...
Mon 16 June 2003

The Fallen Parishioners

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!" Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word "fallen" instead. From then on, anyone who had committed ...
Fri 13 June 2003

Substitute Minister

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming ...
Tue 10 June 2003

Artificial Intelligence

A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working. "Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen ...
Sat 07 June 2003

Just Three Words

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly ...
Wed 04 June 2003

Texans in Hell

A group of Texans are driving down the road, whooping it up, drinking beer and shooting off their guns when they get into an accident with busload of nuns and orphans, killing everyone. The Texans go straight to Hell. When they arrive the Devil is shocked to see that they ...
Sun 01 June 2003

Redneck Logic

Two rednecks decide that they aren't going anywhere in life and think they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. "What's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying ...
Thu 29 May 2003

Where Enron Learned Economics

A truck driver moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died." "Well, then, just give me ...
Mon 26 May 2003

Microsoft Winders 98 Alabama Edition

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the ...
Fri 23 May 2003

Redneck Medical Terms

Artery The study of paintings. Benign What you be after you be eight. Bacteria Back door to cafeteria. Barium What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan Searching for Kitty. Cauterize Made eye contact with her. Colic A sheep dog. Coma A punctuation mark. D ...
Tue 20 May 2003

A Guide to U.S. Newspapers

The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country. USA Today is read by people who think they ...
Sat 17 May 2003

Alabamian Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix ...
Wed 14 May 2003

First Draft of Bush's Inaugural Address

My fellow Armenians, As I stand here today, looking out over this magnificent viagra, I think we can agree that the past is over. Our country is ready for a fresh, bipolar approach. I want to bring America together. We are the hill shining on a city, and each of ...
Sun 11 May 2003

God and the Village Idiot

One day God was hanging out at the Pearly Gates with St. Paul. "I need to find someone to run for president," he said after a while. Attentive to his boss' needs, St. Paul started naming off a few qualified candidates. "Nah, I want that guy," he said pointing to ...
Thu 08 May 2003

Math at a Catholic School

Little Tommy's parents had tried everything to help his math grade: tutors, flash cards, "Hooked on Math," special learning centers, everything. Finally, they enrolled him in the local Catholic school. The very first day, he came home with a very serious look on his face, went straight to his ...
Mon 05 May 2003

Near Death Experience

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God replied, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman ...
Fri 02 May 2003

Eyes Wide Shut

George w. Bush is out jogging one morning, and he notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box, kid?" The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens." George W. laughs and says ...
Tue 29 April 2003

Jesus, Are You There?

A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and ...
Sat 26 April 2003

The $10 Million Reason to get Married

After weeks of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, an unhappy husband finally confronted her. "Admit it, Linda," he said, "The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me $10 million." "Don't be ridiculous!" she shot back. "I don't care who left it to ...
Wed 23 April 2003

Heaven, I'm In Heaven...

Marty and Jane were driving home after an expensive - yet bland - dinner. Since Marty's minor heart attack 15 years ago, Jane had kept her hubby on a strict, low sodium, low fat, low cholesterol diet, depriving him of all the foods he loved. As Marty turned the corner at ...
Sun 20 April 2003

God Overrules Supreme Court Verdict

Bush to Be Smitten Later Today In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the "one nation under God" clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule last night's Supreme Court decision that handed the White House to George Bush. "I'm not sure where the Supreme Court gets ...
Thu 17 April 2003

Gas Problems

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been ...
Mon 14 April 2003

The Tale of an Independent Princess

Once upon a time a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince ...
Fri 11 April 2003

The Divorced Barbie

Ralph is driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In ...
Tue 08 April 2003

President Bush Plays God

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched ...
Sat 05 April 2003

Sermon Sleep

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with ...
Wed 02 April 2003

A Great Dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands. The ...
Sun 30 March 2003

Difference Between Republicans and Democrats

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to ...
Thu 27 March 2003

Parrot Prostitutes

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaims, "but I have a ...
Fri 21 March 2003

Gorilla Breeding

A small, rural West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a female gorilla of a very rare species. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem, the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male ...
Tue 18 March 2003

The Wedding Night

A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and ...
Sat 15 March 2003

Enron Capitalism

Feudalism You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. Fascism You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk. Communism You have two cows. You must take care of them, but the government takes all the ...
Wed 12 March 2003

Liberalism

A liberal came upon a genie and said, "You're a genie. Can you grant me three wishes?" The genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're feeling generous enough to share your good fortune." The liberal said, "I'm a liberal. I'm always happy to share." The genie ...
Sun 09 March 2003

Birth Control Pills

A woman asked her doctor for birth control pills. "Ma'am, how old are you?" "I'm 75." "What possible need do you have for birth control pills?" "They help me sleep better." The doctor looked perplexed, "Just how do birth control pills help you sleep?" "I sneak them into ...
Mon 03 March 2003

The Nursing Home

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay ...
Fri 28 February 2003

Rats

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it. He takes it to the owner, "How much for ...
Tue 25 February 2003

Penis on the Beach

There was a man who really took good care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror - yes, he was a bit vain - and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So, he ...
Sat 22 February 2003

The New and Improved Barbie Models

Bifocals Barbie Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living. Hot Flash Barbie Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her ...
Wed 19 February 2003

Church Bulletins

Some churches are more fun than others. Believe it or not, these actually appeared in various church bulletins: This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice ...
Sun 16 February 2003

Classifieds

As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips: Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses ...
Thu 13 February 2003

Computers Do Have a Gender

Top five reasons why computers must be female No one but their creator understands their internal logic. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. The message, "Bad command or file name ...
Mon 10 February 2003

Elephant Jokes

Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress? A: Anything you want, it can't hear you. Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly? A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin. Q: What's grey and ...
Fri 07 February 2003

Personal Ad Translations

A List of Abbreviations in the "Women Seeking Men" Classifieds. Code Word: 40-ish Really Means: 48 Code Word: Adventurous Really Means: Has had more partners than you ever will Code Word: Affectionate Really Means: Possessive Code Word: Artist Really Means: Unreliable Code Word: Athletic Really Means: Flat chested Code Word ...
Tue 04 February 2003

You Know You Live in San Francisco When...

Your co-worker tells you they have eight body piercings - and none are visible. When someone says "tenderloin" - you don't think steak. You think danger. You make well over $100,000 and you still can't find a nice place to live. You think anyone who drives a car to ...
Sat 01 February 2003

Haiku Error Messages

Imagine if your computer produced error messages in Haiku: A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. Wind catches lily scatt'ring petals to the wind: segmentation fault. ABORTED effort: Close all that you ...
Wed 29 January 2003

The Rules of Bedroom Golf

Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out. For most effective play, the ...
Sun 26 January 2003

Psychoanalyze Yourself

This is a very interesting psychological test. Have a pen and paper handy before you read any further. Read the following questions, imagining the scenes in your mind, and write down the first thing that you visualize. Do not think about the questions excessively. As soon as you read a ...
Thu 23 January 2003

Mailing List Changing a Light Bulb

How many mailing list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? 1 to successfully change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have ...
Mon 20 January 2003

Car Insurance

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided ...
Fri 17 January 2003

Two People in the Same Grave

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way back to the car through the cemetery, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would ...
Sun 20 October 2002

I Like Monkeys

The pet store was selling them for $5 a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car ...
Thu 17 October 2002

M&M Duels

Whenever I get a package of plain M&M's, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold what I call "M&M duels." Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing ...
Mon 14 October 2002

Asking Out Empty Space

Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink. The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but ...
Fri 11 October 2002

Airline Slogans

A guy sitting at an airport bar in Atlanta noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?" Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered ...
Tue 08 October 2002

Bra Size Chart

Ever wonder why bra sizes are lettered from A to F and beyond? Here is a user definition for those who don't know! A - Almost boobs B - Barely there C - Can do D - Damn good E - Enormous F - Fake!
Sat 05 October 2002

Lessons in Business and in Life

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make ...
Wed 02 October 2002

Psychological Test

This is a genuine psychological test: It is a story about a girl. While at the funeral of her own mother, she met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be just that, she fell ...
Sun 29 September 2002

International Politics

President George W. Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The barman says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What ...
Thu 26 September 2002

42 Good Reasons To Be In Finland

By Alessandro Maccari I consider anniversaries (and birthdays) generally meaningless, save for the fact that they trigger reflection. Last month marked my fifth year in Finland as a resident; I moved here on February 7, 1997, and, apart from a four-month break the following winter, stayed ever since. The recurrence ...
Mon 23 September 2002

The Reason Why I Fired My Secretary

Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday ...
Fri 20 September 2002

The Bible In 50 Words

God made Adam bit Noah arked Abraham split Joseph ruled Jacob fooled Bush talked Moses balked Pharaoh plagued People walked Sea divided Tablets guided Promise landed Saul freaked David peeked Prophets warned Jesus born God walked Love talked Anger crucified Hope died Love rose Spirit flamed Word spread God remained.
Tue 17 September 2002

Confrontation at School

A seven-year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher. Teacher: "Morning Tommy, and why weren't you at school yesterday?" Tommy: "Well Miss, my Grandad got burnt." Teacher: "Oh Dear, he wasn't too badly hurt I hope?" Tommy: "Oh yes Miss, they don ...
Sat 14 September 2002

A Woman's Best Part

Duane rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he is there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Duane smiles at the young lady and she strikes up ...
Wed 11 September 2002

Labour Pains

A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer, by kinetic energy, a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out ...
Sun 08 September 2002

2001 Darwin Awards

It's that time again... They are finally out again. You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow ...
Thu 05 September 2002

Real Cowboy

Picture an old, musty saloon in Southwest Texas filled with ole West and cattle raisin' memorabilia. At the bar an old rough and ready cowhand with a dirty Stetson and well-worn boots and faded Levi's, sits with a glass and a half empty bottle of "Red Eye". A beautiful ...
Mon 02 September 2002

Nine Months Later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend ...
Fri 30 August 2002

The "Stella" Award

In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $2.9 million U.S. in damages to 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns to her legs, groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself. This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award - for the most ...
Tue 27 August 2002

Weatherman's Disappointing Performance

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for two days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any...? There was this female news anchor who, the day after ...
Sat 24 August 2002

N64 Killed My Son!

A woman in Baton Rouge, Louisiana is suing Nintendo for "unspecified damages" after her thirty year old son died during a marathon session on his N64. Apparently the unfortunate man died after hitting his head on a table during a seizure while playing with the console. While this was obviously ...
Wed 21 August 2002

Learn Korean in 5 Minutes

You must read this out loud to get the pronounciations right! That's not right Sum Ting Wong Are you harboring a fugitive Hu Yu Hai Ding See me ASAP Kum Hia Stupid Man Dum Gai Small horse Tai Ni Po Ni Did you go to the beach Wai Yu ...
Sun 18 August 2002

Quotations Compiled from Actual Resumes

I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades ...
Thu 15 August 2002

The Latin Professor

The Latin professor went into a bar after a hard day at work. "What'll it be?" asked the bartender. "A martinus," replied the Latin professor. The bartender looked at the Latin professor, slightly puzzled. "Don't you mean martini?" "If I wanted more than one, I would ask for ...
Mon 12 August 2002

Heart Warming

Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that ...
Fri 09 August 2002

If Women Ruled the World

Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams. A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing. Fewer women would be dieting because the ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds. PMS would be a legitimate defense in court. Shopping would be ...
Tue 06 August 2002

How Yodeling Began

Many years ago, a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As ...
Sat 03 August 2002

Bill Gates Does a Favor

I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little ...
Wed 31 July 2002

Boyfriend Gets Stuck in a Car Accident

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When ...
Sun 28 July 2002

Whose Profession is the Oldest?

There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession. The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was ...
Thu 25 July 2002

Anagrams

An anagram is, if you don't know, a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever! Dormitory = Dirty room Evangelist = Evil's agent Desperation = A rope ends it The Morse Code = Here come dots Slot machines = Cash ...
Mon 22 July 2002

George W. Bush vs. Terrorists

In the U.S., a guy in his car is stuck in a traffic jam. Suddenly, someone comes to his car and knocks on the window. The driver: "What's happening?" "Well, some terrorists took G.W. Bush as a hostage, and ask for a 1 million dollar ransom or ...
Fri 19 July 2002

Dear White Fella

A poem from a black fella to a white fella. Dear white fella, somethings you should know: when I was born, I black when I grow up, I black when I go in sun, I black when I cold, I black when I scared, I black when I mad, I ...
Tue 16 July 2002

The Long-Haired Youngster

A young man comes home and says, "Dad, just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car." Father replies, "Okay, son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make certain the yard is neat, and cut your hair ...
Sat 13 July 2002

Speeding Ticket

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange. Officer: "May I see your driver's license?" Driver: "I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI." Officer: "May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?" Driver ...
Wed 10 July 2002

David Beckham Goes Horseback Riding

David Beckham decides to try horseback riding, even though he hasn't had any lessons or prior experience. He mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace as Posh stands back in admiration, but then he begins to slip ...
Sun 07 July 2002

Life in a Nudist Colony

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another ...
Thu 04 July 2002

Tennis Ball

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A ...
Mon 01 July 2002

About Men for Women

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. If we put a man on the moon, we should be able to put them all up there. Never let your man's mind ...
Fri 28 June 2002

Funny Phone Answering Machine Messages

Here are five funny phone answering machine messages. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So ...
Tue 25 June 2002

Arkansas Hunters

A couple of Arkansas hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My ...
Sat 22 June 2002

Wildlife on Drugs

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The ...
Wed 19 June 2002

What Porn Films Would Like Us To Believe

Women wear high heels to bed. Men are never impotent. When going down on a woman 10 secs is more than satisfactory. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her. Women smile appreciatively when ...
Sun 16 June 2002

Phone Violence

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know!!! Now get this. I was sitting at my desk ...
Thu 13 June 2002

Signs of Times

You just tried to enter your password on the microwave. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner ...
Mon 10 June 2002

The Cannibal Programmers

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees ...
Fri 07 June 2002

The New Genesis

#In the beginning was the computer. And God said :Let there be light! #You have not signed in yet. :God. #Enter user password. :Omniscient. #Password Incorrect. Try again! :Omnipotent. # Password Incorrect. Try again! :Technocrat. #And God signed on 12:01 a.m., Sunday, March 1. :Let there be light! #Unrecognisable ...
Tue 04 June 2002

Sherlock Holmes and the Mystery of the Stars

Mr. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John H. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell ...
Sat 01 June 2002

Hello World Programs

A compilation of "Hello World programs" designed by various categories of "developers" follows. High School/Jr.High 10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD" 20 END First year in College program Hello(input, output) begin writeln('Hello World') end. Senior year in College (defun hello (print (cons 'Hello (list 'World)))) New professional #include ...
Wed 29 May 2002

Soldier Getting Dumped Overseas

The soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them ...
Sun 26 May 2002

Wedding Gift

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. (This actually is true - it was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.) This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up ...
Thu 23 May 2002

What Men Are Like

Men are like... Laxatives They irritate the shit out of you. Men are like... Bananas The older they get, the less firm they are. Men are like... Vacations They never seem to be long enough. Men are like... Bank Machines Once they withdraw they lose interest. Men are like... Weather ...
Mon 20 May 2002

The Birthday Present

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister ...
Fri 17 May 2002

FBI's Top 20 Homicides of the Year 1996

Every year the FBI is asked to investigate over 36.000 serious crimes including homicides. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its "Top 20 Homicides of the Year" This is the list of year 1996 Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a ...
Tue 14 May 2002

A Look at the Panties

A young girl in her school uniform is walking down the street, on the way home from school, when a teenage boy says, "Hey girl, I'll give you a dollar to climb up that tree." The young girls agrees, climbs the tree, and collects her reward. When she gets ...
Sat 11 May 2002

The Preacher and the Cowboy

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed ...
Wed 08 May 2002

At a Sex Therapist

A couple visited a sex clinic to complain that their sex life had become a bore. Each night, the man would arrive home. His wife would prepare supper. After supper, they'd watch two hours of television. Immediately afterwards, they would go to bed. From that point on, every move ...
Sun 05 May 2002

Swedish Sandwich

An American soldier was on duty in Sweden. He took a Swedish gal out to the movies. They settled in, started some light petting, and the American said, "Now in America we call this hamburger." The gal says, "Yah, yah vee call dis hamburger in Svedin, too." The movie continues ...
Thu 02 May 2002

Desperate Girl

A young girl had just been dumped by her boyfriend and was devastated. She decided that life was not worth living, so she walked down to the docks and out to the end of a pier. She was standing there gathering the courage to jump when a young man grabbed ...
Mon 29 April 2002

G.I.'s Late Returns

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.'s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab ...
Fri 26 April 2002

A Golfing Priest

There once was a priest who loved to golf. He was pretty good at it and had two nuns as an entourage who would follow him around and watch him play. One Saturday the priest was shooting a great round, when he came upon the eighth hole. He started off ...
Tue 23 April 2002

Adam Feeling Lonely in Eden

Adam had spent some time in Eden, and began feeling lonely. So he asked God if he could arrange him some company. To which God replied, "I can make you a companion, a woman. She'll tend to all your needs, will always understand your moods and cheer you up ...
Sat 20 April 2002

Hillary Dies and Goes to Heaven

Hillary Clinton dies and, Lord knows why, goes to heaven. St. Peter approaches her and says, "Hillary, I know you're 'somebody' down on Earth, but up here, you're just another person. And, I'm swamped right now, so have a seat and I'll get back with you ...
Wed 17 April 2002

Disorder in Court

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent - don't miss the last one. Q: Are you sexually active? A ...
Sat 10 March 2001

If Operating Systems Ran Your Car

What driving to the store would be like if operating systems ran your car. MS-DOS You get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys. Windows You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because attached to the back of the car ...
Sat 10 March 2001

Just a Small Blowjob

The boy just takes the girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?" "What? You're crazy!" "Don't worry, it ...
Sat 10 March 2001

Senior Chef's Death

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior chef had passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client on the phone. "I am very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered. "Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the client ...
Sat 10 March 2001

Sweatshop

Nike now lets you personalize your shoes by submitting a word or phrase which they will stitch onto your shoes, under the swoosh. So Jonah Peretti filled out the form and sent them $50 to stitch "SWEATSHOP" onto his shoes. Here's the responses he got... let the fun and ...
Sat 10 March 2001

Three Chinese Tortures

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a long grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man, "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the ...
Sat 10 March 2001

Unfaithful Wife

A wealthy man goes to his office one morning. When he gets there he realizes that he has left his wallet at home and there is something important in it that he needs. He gets on the phone, calls home where the butler answers. "James, I left my wallet in ...
Thu 15 February 2001

Airline Announcements

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ...
Thu 15 February 2001

All I Know About Computers I Learned From My Mom

For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa Claus is a real person or not. Her answer was always, "Well, you asked for the presents, and they came, didn't they?" I finally understood the full meaning of her reply when I heard the definition of a ...
Thu 15 February 2001

English Subtitles Made in Hong Kong

Here's a list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep. Gun wounds again? Same old rules: no eyes, no groin. A normal person wouldn't ...
Thu 15 February 2001

Materials Safety Data Sheet: Woman

Element Woman Chemical symbol Wo Discoverer Adamov Eden Atomic mass Accepted as 53.659 kg but known to vary from 40 to 200 kg. Occurrences Copious quantities in urban areas. Physical properties Surfaces usually covered in painted film. Boils at nothing, known to freeze without known reason. Melts if given ...
Thu 15 February 2001

Parking Space

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was ...
Thu 15 February 2001

Pick-Up Attempt at a Bar

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling ...
Thu 15 February 2001

Stolen Camel

A man goes into a police station and the desk sargeant asks him what he wants. The man says, "Someone has stolen my camel, I went into a bar for one drink and when I came out it was gone!" "Now, sir, I think we have had more than one ...
Thu 15 February 2001

Worried Old Woman

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members. "How are you feeling?" the visitor asked. "Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!" "What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked. "You look like you're in ...
Thu 01 February 2001

Confession of the 80-year-old Man

An 80-year-old man walks into a church and goes straight into the confessional. There he hears a voice, "Yes my son? Tell me your sins." "Well, Father," says the old man. "I had sexual relations with a 17-year-old girl." "Hmmm," says the Priest. "Well, given today's lifestyles, and the ...
Thu 01 February 2001

Conversation on a Bus

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two ...
Thu 01 February 2001

Drug Dealers vs. Software Developers

Drug Dealers Software Developers Refer to their clients as "users". Refer to their clients as "users". "The first one's free!" "Download a free trial version..." Have important Asian connections. Have important Asian connections. Strange jargon: "Stick" "Rock" "Wrap" "E" "Stash" "Drive-by" "Hit (LSD)" "Source" "The Pigs" Strange jargon: "SCSI ...
Thu 01 February 2001

How to Determine Your Star Wars Name

For your new first name: Take the first 3 letters of your first name, add a hyphen '-', and add the first two letters of your last name. For your new last name: Take the first 2 letters of your mum's maiden name, and add the first 3 letters of ...
Thu 01 February 2001

Hunting Bears

A guy is walking thru the woods with a shotgun, hunting for bears, when all of a sudden he sees one. He shoots at it, but misses. The bear, annoyed, goes up to the guy: "Did you just shoot at me?" Guy says, "Yeaa..." "Bend over!" says the bear. "Or ...
Thu 01 February 2001

Star Wars Alternative Ending

A furious lightsaber duel is underway. Darth Vader is backing Luke Skywalker towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but ...
Thu 01 February 2001

Three Nuns

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!" "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them all in the trash." The second ...
Mon 18 December 2000

Education

A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do... anything." He ...
Mon 18 December 2000

How to Shower Like a Woman/Man

How to Shower Like a Woman Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry basket according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way cover any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom. Look at ...
Mon 18 December 2000

Sex Weight Loss Program

Sex is the most practical and funniest (full of fun) ways of losing weight. Look how many calories you can burn: Taking Off The Clothes With her agreement 12 cal Without her agreement 187 cal Taking Off The Bra With both hands 8 cal With one hand 12 cal With ...
Mon 18 December 2000

What If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers?

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers - but imagine if they did... Conversation #1 Helpline: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" Customer: "I got in my car and ...
Mon 18 December 2000

Whore House Piano Player

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your father do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "He is a doctor." "That is wonderful. How about you, Sarah?" Sarah shyly stood up, scuffed her ...
Sat 16 December 2000

Fuckawee Indians

When the new school year starts the history teacher is so excited because there are three little Indian boys in her class. She is beside herself with excitement. So she asks the first little Indian boy to stand up and tell the class what tribe he is from and how ...
Sat 16 December 2000

Notice of Revocation of Independence

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over ...
Sun 12 November 2000

Mis-Adventures in Thai Language

(This story is written by Sean Parlaman (seanpar@ksc.net.th) and published here with his kind permission.) In summer 1994, in my first trip to Thailand, I was a student at Chulalongkorn University in Bangkok, living in the Thai dorms and eating in the student cafeteria. One morning, while ...
Sun 12 November 2000

Rules Men Wish Women Knew

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down. Don't cut your hair, ever. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Get rid of your cat. Sunday = Sports. Anything ...
Sun 12 November 2000

Toaster Design

Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a King summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob and a lever. "What do you think it is," he asked. One ...
Sun 03 September 2000

13-Year-Old 'r00ts' Popular Polynomial

The well-known polynomial x^2+8x+6 was defaced today by a teenager who had "r00ted" the beloved function of one variable through the use of a popular script known as "QuAd 3QaZh0n". The attack set off the usual sequence of events: an initial panic setting off an orgy of ...
Sun 03 September 2000

Female Comebacks

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go ...
Sun 03 September 2000

Snow White Takes a Bath

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. She tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake. The Dwarfs protest vehemently because ...
Sun 03 September 2000

Television Preacher

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I would like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV, and the other hand on the ...
Sun 03 September 2000

Vaseline Biker

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a ...
Fri 09 June 2000

Bad Password

I am reminded of a real life incident of about 10 years ago. I was working in a Wall Street investment bank when someone from the information technology group came by our office asking us to enter our passwords in the new software system. My colleague Barry, with his usual ...
Fri 09 June 2000

Chelsea vs. Newcastle

The Chelsea team are having a meeting on the eve of a Newcastle game. Vialli says, "Look lads, I know they are absolute shite and we don't want to play them, but we have to or we face the wrath of the FA." Gustavo Poyet peps up, "I've ...
Fri 09 June 2000

Chinese-English Dictionary

Ai Bang Mai Ne I bumped into the coffee table Chin Tu Fat You need a face lift Dum Gai A stupid person Gun Pao Der An ancient Chinese invention Hu Yu Hai Ding We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive Jan Ne Ka Sun A former ...
Fri 09 June 2000

Deathbed

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my love ...
Fri 09 June 2000

Pet Frog

A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband but she is concerned that the prices this pet shop are charging seem very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you ...
Fri 09 June 2000

Radio Show Contest

On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL they play a game for prizes, usually vacations and such, called "Mate Match." The DJ's ring someone at work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked three very ...
Fri 09 June 2000

Reduced Dose of Viagra

An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?" The man answered, "Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces." The doctor said, "That won't do you ...
Fri 09 June 2000

What Is Politics?

This little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call ...
Fri 09 June 2000

Windows 2000 Error Messages

New error messages currently under consideration for Windows 2000. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. Close your eyes and press escape three times. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N ...
Fri 09 June 2000

Yo Mama's

Yo mama's so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized. Yo mama's so fat, she's got more Chins than a Chinese phone book. Yo mama's so dumb, when I told her I wanted color TV, she said, "What color?" Yo mama's ...
Thu 27 April 2000

28 Cruel Things to Say to a Naked Man

I've smoked fatter joints than that. Ahhhhhhhh... it's cute. Why don't we just cuddle? You know... they have surgery to fix that! Make it dance for me. Can I paint a smiley face on it? Wow, and your feet are so big. It's OK, we'll ...
Thu 27 April 2000

Condoms

Nike condoms Just do it. Toyota condoms Oh what a feeling. Diet Pepsi condoms You got the right one, baby. Pringles condoms Once you pop, you can't stop. Mentos condoms The freshmaker. Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack Ten million strong and growing. Secret condoms Strong enough for a man, but ...
Thu 27 April 2000

Drink Beer and Get Smart

This goes a long way towards explaining a lot of things: A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for ...
Thu 27 April 2000

The Two Eskimos

Two eskimos, a big one and a little one, go to their local Alaskan convent with a question. The big one nudges the little one and says, "Go ahead, knock on the door, knock on the door." The Mother Superior answers the door. Again, the big eskimo nudges the little ...
Mon 03 April 2000

Dirty Mind

Sixth grade science teacher Mr. Sampson asks his class, "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to ten times its usual size when stimulated?" Nobody raises a hand, so he calls on the first student to look his way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ ...
Mon 03 April 2000

Game of Romance

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy... Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here ...
Fri 25 February 2000

Air Force One Crash

Air Force One crashes, instantly killing President Clinton, Vice President Gore, and their wives. Being the very important people that they are, St. Peter greets them personally at the Pearly Gates and informs them that they have been granted an audience with God. They are lead by St. Peter to ...
Fri 25 February 2000

Comprehending Engineers

Comprehending Engineers - Take One Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to ...
Fri 25 February 2000

Dish of Soup

A man came into a restaurant and looked for a place to sit down, when he noticed an old man sitting in front of a dish of soup. But the old man was not eating it. "What a pity," thought the biker. "This man is not eating his soup, but ...
Fri 25 February 2000

How to Impress a Woman

How to Impress a Woman Compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand ...
Fri 25 February 2000

Mr. Miller

A man enters the saloon and asks, "Who is the chap named Miller?!" "I am Miller," answers an old man sitting at the bar. The man at the door walks to Mr. Miller and knocks him down. Then he leaves the saloon. Mr. Miller rises, sits on his chair again ...
Fri 25 February 2000

Valentine's Day Poem

Hearts and roses and kisses galore... What the hell is all that shit for? People get mushy and start acting queer It is definitely the most annoying day of the year This day needs to get the hell over with and pass Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid ...
Sat 22 January 2000

Cybersex

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to ...
Sat 22 January 2000

Having a Cup of Coffee

John was sitting in a cafe. The waiter had just brought a cup of coffee to the man sitting at the table next to him. The man drained his coffee into the vase on the table and ate the cup. He only left the handle. Then he paid and left ...
Sat 22 January 2000

Monkey Business

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and ...
Sat 22 January 2000

Saving Bill Clinton's Life

There are three high school -aged boys walking down the street in Washington, D.C. Suddenly, they see Bill Clinton go jogging by, and he is about to be hit by a car. So, they pull Bill out of the way and save his life. Bill says, "Thank you for ...
Wed 19 January 2000

Clinton Goes Out Jogging

Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of Washington D.C. He notices a good looking prostitute. She sees this and calls out, "Fifty dollars!" He is tempted, but the price is a little high. So he calls back, "Five!" She is disappointed and turns away ...
Wed 19 January 2000

Panda

A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay ...
Wed 19 January 2000

The Barkeeper's Dog

A guy sits in a bar when the barkeeper starts talking about his dog, "My dog is the most vicious killing machine in the area. If I had not tied it by a huge chain, it would kill other dogs or children all the time." And really the guy can ...
Wed 19 January 2000

The Winking Sales Man

A man went in for an interview for a job as a sales man. The interview went quite well, but the trouble was that he kept winking. The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we are looking for, the fact that you keep winking could put ...
Tue 11 January 2000

A Deaf Mute at a Pharmacy

A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it. The pharmacist unzips his ...
Tue 11 January 2000

Carpet Installer

A carpet installer was laying new living room carpeting in a large mansion. After laboriously pulling, stretching, and tacking the carpet, he finally finished, and gratefully sat back to enjoy a cigarette. Reaching into his shirt pocket, however, he found that his cigarettes were gone, and looking toward the center ...
Tue 11 January 2000

Earth the Village

If we could shrink the Earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following. There would be: 57 Asians 21 Europeans 14 from the Western Hemisphere, both North and South 8 Africans 52 ...
Tue 11 January 2000

Goldfish Burial

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried ...
Tue 11 January 2000

Gravy Ladle

In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the pastor and his housekeeper. One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the ...
Tue 11 January 2000

How to Speak About Men and Be Politically Correct

He does not have a Beer Gut He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility He is not a Bad Dancer He is Overly Caucasian He does not Get Lost All The Time He Investigates Alternative Destinations He is not Balding He is in Follicle Regression He is not a ...
Tue 11 January 2000

It's the Thought That Counts

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. The owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier goes up ...
Tue 11 January 2000

Lawyer Q&A

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope. Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A: Shoot him before he hits the water. Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? A: Never enough. Q: What's ...
Tue 11 January 2000

One Day, One Man, and One Lamp to be Rubbed

One day, a man rubbed a lamp. Not surprisingly, a genie popped out of the lamp and said, "You have three wishes. I will grant whatever you wish for, but remember, your boss gets twice as much as you wish for, so be careful what you wish for." The man ...
Tue 11 January 2000

Severe Problems in Sex Life

A man went to see a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of his problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while ...
Tue 11 January 2000

Successful Sons

These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as ...
Tue 11 January 2000

Windows 95, Noun

Windows 95: noun, 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
Tue 21 December 1999

Little Christmas Angel

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure ...
Fri 10 December 1999

30 Fun Things to Do in the Elevator

Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you shut up!" Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and ...
Fri 10 December 1999

Chemical Analysis of a Woman

Element Woman Symbol Wo Discoverer Adam Quantitative Analysis Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from 25-10-20 to 60-55-60 have been identified. Occurance Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas. Physical Properties Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing ...
Fri 10 December 1999

Drumming on a Remote Island

A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native ...
Fri 10 December 1999

Golfer in Heaven

An avid golfer dies and goes to heaven. He is met by St. Peter who tells him, "Welcome to Heaven. I know you will be pleased to know that this is the best golf course in the universe!" The man's eyes turn cloudy. St. Peter says, "And the weather ...
Fri 10 December 1999

Hot Air Balloon

Three men are in a hot air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I have got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far." He leans over the basket and ...
Fri 10 December 1999

Margaret Thatcher in Heaven

Margaret Thatcher dies and strolls up the pearly staircase to the pearly gates, where she is confronted by St. Peter, brandishing a clipboard. "Name," says St. Peter. "Margaret Thatcher," she replies. St. Peter checks through all the lists on his clipboard but cannot find the name of the former British ...
Fri 10 December 1999

Only Four Weeks to Live

A bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, "We will all die some day, and none of us really knows when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event ...
Fri 10 December 1999

Screwing Light Bulps

Q: How many men do you need to screw on a light bulp? A: One. They'll screw anything. Q: How many Finns does it take to change a light bulp? A: Unknown, becouse when Finns notice that the light bulp is made of glass and that it has threads ...
Fri 10 December 1999

Shit List

The Ghost Shit The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl. The Clean Shit The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper ...
Fri 10 December 1999

Short Mathematics Jokes

There are three kinds of mathematicians: those who can count and those who cannot. A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine. Ya' hear about the geometer who went to the beach to ...
Fri 10 December 1999

Sitting or Standing

A parish got a new priest. During his first service, when a certain prayer was said, half the congregation stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up ...
Wed 08 December 1999

A Snake and a Rabbit

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth ...
Wed 08 December 1999

An Engineer and the Guillotine

They were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he met his fate. The priest said that he would like to face up so he would be looking towards heaven when he died ...
Wed 08 December 1999

Cessna Cleared for Take-Off

(Supposedly a true story - then again, aren't they all?) This Certified Flight Instructor and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them ...
Wed 08 December 1999

Discussion on Submarines

The Russian and the American presidents are walking along the beach. They start discussing their submarines. The Russian president says, "We recently have made much progress with our submarines. They can now stay as long under water as yours, for one month." The American president replies, "Do you not think ...
Wed 08 December 1999

Everything I Need to Know... I Learned in Corporate America

Indecision is the key to flexibility. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Sometimes too much to ...
Wed 08 December 1999

Expert at Reattaching Limbs

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon said, "You are in luck! I am an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours." Sam came ...
Wed 08 December 1999

In a Brain Store

A man goes to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for engineer brain?" "4 pounds per 100g." "How much for doctor brain?" "6 ...
Wed 08 December 1999

Pregnancy Q&A

Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A ...
Wed 08 December 1999

The Jokes Club

In a small town there existed a jokes club. They met once a week and told each other jokes. It turned out that the same jokes were repeated on and on. In order to be able to tell more jokes in an evening the club decided to give a number ...
Wed 08 December 1999

The Story of Motumbo and Mary

Motumbo was a Black African from Senegal who had recently moved to London. Mary was the daughter of a typical high falutin' English family. Milky white skin, blonde hair, blue eyes, as proper as they come. Motumbo and Mary met at Covent Gardens where Motumbo sold flowers and souvenirs. After ...
Wed 08 December 1999

The Top 20 Reasons Why Chocolate is Better than Sex

You can get chocolate. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to. You can have chocolate ...
Wed 08 December 1999

Virus Jokes

AT&T Virus Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. MCI Virus Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. Paul Revere Virus This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard ...
Wed 08 December 1999

Wife or Mistress?

A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says, "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems." The doctor says, "It is better ...
Tue 07 December 1999

Climb the Ladder to Success

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which was sitting a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she ...
Tue 07 December 1999

Cork in the Ass

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?" The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a ...
Tue 07 December 1999

Female Hormones in Beer

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were ...
Tue 07 December 1999

Hockey Fans

Three icehockey fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Jokerit fan took off his cap and placed it ...
Tue 07 December 1999

Professions

Three guys and a lady were sitting at a bar talking about their professions. The first guy says, "I'm a YUP... you know... Young, Urban, Professional." The second guy says, "I'm a DINK... you know... Double Income, No Kids." The third guy says, "I'm a RUB... you ...
Mon 08 November 1999

City of Los Angeles High School Vocabulary Primer

More commonly known as gangsta' lingo Afford I wanted to buy a Cadillac, but then had to settle for afford. Anus The policeman told me and my friend Jerome they be looking for the two guys that held up the liquor store and we said - anus. Assert On the way ...
Mon 08 November 1999

Dictionary of Wifespeak

Wifespeak - English You want You want We need I want It's your decision The correct decision should be obvious by now Do what you want You'll pay for this later We need to talk I need to complain Sure... go ahead I don't want you to I ...
Mon 08 November 1999

Fire Insurance

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I am here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. But my insurance company paid for everything." "That is quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I am here because my ...
Mon 08 November 1999

Halloween Party

A couple was invited to a masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no ...
Mon 08 November 1999

He and She

I'm sure you could imagine, It's as simple as can be, The place is very common the place for he and she. she whispers, "will it hurt?" "or course not", he replied, it won't hurt a bit on me you can rely. I'm getting rather frightened ...
Mon 08 November 1999

Hiking Accident

Two men went to mountains for a hike. Suddenly, one of them fell into a crevasse. His friend cried, "How are you? Are you alive?" "Yes," was the answer. "How is your head?" "Okay!" "How are your legs?" "Okay!" "And what about your hands?" "Everything is okay!" "Oh, if everything ...
Mon 08 November 1999

Missing Husband

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbour to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He is 36 years old, 183 cm high, has brown eyes, brown hair, an athletic body, weighs 75 kg, is soft-spoken, and is good ...
Mon 08 November 1999

Naked Priests

Three priests went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and were exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few ...
Mon 08 November 1999

Restaurant on a Deserted Island

Three chaps - an American, a Chinese, and a German - were shipwrecked on a deserted island. The German found this smoky bottle. So he brought it back to the other two, and they all opened it together. Well, a genie popped out! The genie granted them each one wish under a ...
Mon 08 November 1999

The Male Rules

Women will speak only when spoken to or instructed to do so. Men have the right and the duty to point out PMS wherever and whenever they see it. Men have the right to tell a woman to take a Midol and leave. Men will call the day after if ...
Mon 08 November 1999

What Would You Do If I Died?

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of course not, dear," said the husband. "Do you not like being married?" said the ...
Mon 08 November 1999

World War II Pilots

An American pilot who had downed a German Messerschmidt, visited the German pilot in the field hospital. Finding the fellow in pretty bad shape, the American asked if he could do anything for him. The Nazi admitted that he did have a favour to ask. "The leg they amputated, on ...
Sun 07 November 1999

17 Of The Female Rules

Female makes the rules. Rules are subject to change by the female at any time without prior notification. Male can't possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the rules are not permitted. If the female suspects that the male may know some or all of the rules, she ...
Sun 07 November 1999

A Cat and a Buttered Piece of Bread

This question was posted to the Usenet Oracle: If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on it's feet. But what if you attach ...
Sun 07 November 1999

At the Entrance of Heaven

Standing at the pearly gates of heaven, Albert noticed pointing to two paths. One was marked "Women" and the other marked "Men". He took the path assigned to men. There were two more paths, one marked "Married Men", the other "Unmarried Men". Because Albert had been married he took the ...
Sun 07 November 1999

Chinese Crash Course

Ai Bang Mai Ne I bumped into the coffee table Ar U Wun Tu A gay liberation greeting Chin Tu Fat You need a face lift Dum Gai A stupid person Gun Pao Der An ancient Chinese invention Hu Flung Dung Which one of you fertilized the field? Hu Yu ...
Sun 07 November 1999

Fire at the Hotel

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel while attending a technical seminar. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trash can from his room with water and douses the fire. He ...
Sun 07 November 1999

God and the Pope

One day God came down from heaven and came to the Pope. God looked at the Pope and said, "Do not be afraid, this is just a little survey I take of all the Popes. The first question I have of you is: do you think that priests will ever ...
Sun 07 November 1999

Marrying and Divorcing in Heaven

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and ...
Sun 07 November 1999

Opportunity of a Lifetime

A man phones home and tells his wife, "I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It is the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So, if you could, please pack my clothes, my fishing equipment and especially my blue silk pyjamas. I will be home ...
Sun 07 November 1999

Parachuting in the Army

In a military training camp some recruits get educated in parachuting. After some weeks of training on the ground they have to do their first jump. Before the jump the instructor recalls, "You leave the air plane, count till three and pull the cord. The parachute should open then. If ...
Sun 07 November 1999

People Do the Strangest Things

Caught in the Act or Lack of Common Sense Portsmouth, R.I. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he (1) fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and (2) later tried to post his $400 ...
Sun 07 November 1999

Recruits for the CIA

The CIA advertised for new recruits. Three men answered and went to the office for an interview. After filling out their applications, they were taken one at a time into another room where the interviewer told them, "One of the requirements for joining the CIA is that you have to ...
Sun 07 November 1999

Ten Years on a Deserted Island

A chap is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day a gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba suit arrives at the island. She comes up to the chap and she says, "How long has it been since you had a cigarette?" "Ten ...
Sun 07 November 1999

The Burglar and the Budgerigar

A burglar has just made it into the house. He is intending ransacking, and he is looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!" Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at ...
Sun 07 November 1999

The Kinds of People in Heaven

A very good man died, and as a reward for a life well spent, went to heaven. When he arrived, St. Peter met him at the gate. "Welcome," said St. Peter, "since you were such a good person in life, you may enter heaven." "Thank you," said the man. "But ...
Sun 07 November 1999

The Lost Old Hat

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favourite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door, and took him to a pew ...
Sun 07 November 1999

The Warning Signs of Insanity

Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer. Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from. You start out each morning with a 30-minute ...
Sun 07 November 1999

Until the Chief Gets Back

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But, officer," the man began. "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I am going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just ...
Mon 18 October 1999

A Great New Bike

Two engineering students were riding across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off ...
Mon 18 October 1999

A New Priest

At a church, a new priest was being trained. He was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second week in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next week it may help if you put some Vodka ...
Mon 18 October 1999

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted. Farmer Bill Dies in House. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? Stud Tires Out. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over. British Left Waffles on ...
Mon 18 October 1999

Carpenter at the Gates of Heaven

Saint Peter is standing at the gates of Heaven when nature calls. He asks Jesus to take his place and tells Jesus what to do. After a while, an old man approaches the gates and Jesus proceeds to ask him some questions, "What was your occupation?" The old man answers ...
Mon 18 October 1999

Computers in the Movies

Everything I Needed to Know About Computers I Learned in the Movies Word processors never display a cursor. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences. All monitors and hand-held devices display 2-inch-high letters whenever you need to see what the operator is typing. High-tech computers, such ...
Mon 18 October 1999

Dark Suckers

Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs dark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to ...
Mon 18 October 1999

How to Handle Stress

Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out. Use your MasterCard to pay your VISA bill. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. When someone says, "Have a nice day!", tell them you have other plans. During your next meeting, sneeze and then loudly suck ...
Mon 18 October 1999

How to Kill an Eel

Little Johnny was 12 years old and, like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from the older boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother who became rather ...
Mon 18 October 1999

If Operating Systems Were Beer Brands

(Outdated, but still fun.) DOS Beer Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 ...
Mon 18 October 1999

Life in Prison vs. A Full Time Job

In prison they spend the majority of their time in a 8'x10' cell. At work, I spend most of my time in a 6'x8' cubicle. In prison they get three meals a day. At work I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay ...
Mon 18 October 1999

Murphy's Laws on Sex

The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. Nothing improves with age. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. Sex has ...
Mon 18 October 1999

Portuguese Medical Dictionary

Artery The study of paintings Bacteria Back door of a cafeteria Barium What doctors do when a patient dies Bowel A letter like a, e, i, o, or u Cesarean Section A neighborhood in rome Cat Scan Searching for a kitty Cauterize Had eye contact with her Colic A sheep ...
Mon 18 October 1999

Scientists on a Photo-Safari

A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in Africa. They drive out on the savanna in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars. The biologist: "Look! There is a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle, a white zebra ...
Mon 18 October 1999

The Perfect Penis

Several first grade boys overheard some junior high boys talking about a penis. The first graders asked each other, "What's a penis?" None of them knew. Finally one boy said, "I'll ask my Dad, he knows everything." That evening the boy asked his Dad, "What's a penis ...
Mon 18 October 1999

Theft of a Roast

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, "Hey, if your dog ...
Thu 14 October 1999

101 Ways to be Obnoxious on Usenet

Note to the profoundly impaired: this list is intended as humor, and consists mostly of things that you should NOT do. NOT NOT NOT do. Once more, slowly, don't do these things. If you do, you're a bad, naughty person. Bad person! Naughty! Naughty, *bad* person! Ok, now ...
Thu 14 October 1999

50th Wedding Anniversary

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home she notices a tear in his eye and asks whether he is getting sentimental because they are celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got ...
Thu 14 October 1999

A Cold Morning

Two men are meeting on the street. "It was very cold this morning." "How cold was it?" "I do not know exactly, but I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets."
Thu 14 October 1999

Cool Pick-Up Lines

That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed. Do you want to see something swell? Hey babe... do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi? Drop 'em! What do you like for breakfast? Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I ...
Thu 14 October 1999

Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody

This is a story of four people called Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was some important work that had to be done, and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry because of this, since it was ...
Thu 14 October 1999

Fuck

Perhaps one of the most interesting words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is one magical word! Just by its sound you can discribe pain, displeasure, love and hate. In language "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories, it can be used as a verb both intransactive ...
Thu 14 October 1999

Husband Under the Table

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the ...
Thu 14 October 1999

Is There a Santa Claus?

No known species of reindeer can fly. But there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen. There are 2 billion children (persons under ...
Thu 14 October 1999

Lawyer and Alligator

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure we do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and my alligator will have a lawyer."
Thu 14 October 1999

Memory Problem

Patient to the doctor, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I cannot remember anything!" The doctor replies, "So, since when did you have this problem?" "What problem?"
Thu 14 October 1999

Parachuting

You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react? Pessimist You refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway. Optimist You refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before. Procrastinator You play a game ...
Thu 14 October 1999

Proper Care of Diskettes

Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving ...
Thu 14 October 1999

The Epic of the Baked Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he ...
Thu 14 October 1999

Top 13 Things the 95 in Windows 95 Really Stands For

The number of people who believe it will ship on time. The number of floppies it will ship on. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required. The number of pages in the easy install version of the ...
Thu 14 October 1999

Top Ten Failed Slogans

Elite Modeling Agency (tm) "Where ugly people need not apply." Pop Rocks (tm) "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." Wesson (tm) Oil "Because car oil tastes nasty with chicken." Hoover (tm) "No one sucks like Hoover does." Smith & Wesson (tm) "Say it with love. Say it with ...
Thu 14 October 1999

What If Operating Systems Were Women

System 7 is like going out on a bad date. Your date is expensive and at the end of the night you don't even get a good-night kiss. DOS is like going out with an ugly girl except you know what your up against, so you can work around ...
Thu 14 October 1999

What Is This?

This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at ...
Thu 14 October 1999

You Are So Ugly!

You're so ugly, when you walk into the bank they turn off the cameras. If ugliness were bricks, you would be the Great Wall Of China. You're so ugly, you went to a haunted house and came out with an application. If ugliness was a crime, you'd ...
Thu 07 October 1999

125 Things Never To Say During Sex

Is it in? That's it? You've got to be kidding me. (Phone rings) Hello? Oh, nothing, and you? Do I have to pay for this? Do I have to call you tomorrow? Oh momma, momma! Oh dadda, dadda! You look better in the dark. This is much better ...
Thu 07 October 1999

31 Ways to Know that Technology has Taken Over Your Life

Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of ...
Thu 07 October 1999

Affairs

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads: Dear Wife (that's what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18-year-old secretary. When he arrived ...
Thu 07 October 1999

An Ideal Husband

A woman puts an ad in the paper for a husband. In her ad she includes the three things that she's looking for in a husband: She wants a man who won't beat her. She wants a man that won't leave her. She wants a really great ...
Thu 07 October 1999

Be Careful With Your E-Mail

As you are receiving my note by e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a ...
Thu 07 October 1999

Does It Reach?

A little boy goes fishing with his grandpa. As they are paddling round the lake, Grandpa lights up a big cigar. The boy looks at his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, I sure would like to smoke one of your big cigars." Grandpa then asks, "Well son, will your pecker reach ...
Thu 07 October 1999

Hallmark Greeting Cards

Greeting cards unsuccessfully marketed by Hallmark Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I got one... I got real snippy. I heard you had herpes... and I feel terrible... I'd say "Get well soon"... but I know it's incurable. My tire was thumping... I thought it was ...
Thu 07 October 1999

It Is Obvious My Dear

A woman walks into a department store and buys: 1 bar of soap 1 toothbrush 1 tube toothpaste 1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk 1 single serving cereal 1 single serving frozen dinner 1 single-size bedsheet The handsome clerk at the checkout counter looks at her and says ...
Thu 07 October 1999

Lincoln & Kennedy - Think About This

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives ...
Thu 07 October 1999

Look of Plastic and Feel of Rubber

A big-time executive walked into a bar and sat down next to a drunk who was studying, something in his hand. The executive leaned close as the drunk held the object up to the light. "Well, it looks like plastic," the drunk said. Then he rolled it around in his ...
Thu 07 October 1999

One more for Elmo

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made "Tickle me Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her she would be stationed on the assembly line ...
Thu 07 October 1999

Owner's Manual

Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years on trouble-free service, except that you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE ...
Thu 07 October 1999

Rules for Attorney Hunting Season

Any person with a valid State hunting license may harvest attorneys. The taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited. The killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove roadkill to roadside, then proceed to nearest car ...
Thu 07 October 1999

San Francisco

A naive young girl from a small town was visiting friends in San Francisco. She phoned her mom to let her know how she was getting along. "Things are rather strange here. I see men who hold hands, kiss and hug each other. They're called 'gays' or homosexuals. Even ...
Thu 07 October 1999

Sperm Count

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives ...
Thu 07 October 1999

The Difference

This old couple was sitting in their rocking chairs on the back porch when the old lady reached over and knocked the old man out of his chair. The old man got up, sat back down in his chair and said, "What was that for?" The old lady said, "That ...
Thu 07 October 1999

The New Maid

A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid," answers the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is ...
Thu 07 October 1999

The Worst Jobs

Photographer for the "Miss Nude Octogenarian" pageant Laxative tester Internet spelling/grammar corrector Certified Pubic Accountant Any job in the White House if you're wearing a skirt. And that includes the poor bagpipe players. Depends Undergarment Maximum Load Tester Jessie Ventura's press secretary Restroom attendant at the Texas ...
Thu 07 October 1999

Three Bad Bikers

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old ...
Thu 07 October 1999

Top Ten Signs Your Dog Is More Intelligent Than You

Neighbors complain about loud music and howling coming from your apartment in the middle of the day. You find mysterious sculpture of a human (who looks strikingly like you) on a leash in your living room. Ice floating in toilet water. Neighborhood cats bring dog treats to your doorstep. Friends ...
Thu 07 October 1999

Two Brothers

There once were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their evil ways from the public eye. They attended the same temple, and to everyone else, they appeared to be perfect Jews. One day, their rabbi retired and a new one was hired. Not only ...
Thu 07 October 1999

University Sweatshirts

A girl goes to the doctor and takes off her shirt to be examined. On her chest she has a huge red "H". The doctor asks, "How did you get that red 'H' on your chest?" and the girl replies, "My boyfriend goes to Harvard and he's so proud ...
Thu 07 October 1999

UNIX Consultant

Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question. Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program? UNIX consultant: Yes, that's correct. Customer: No, what is it? UNIX consultant: Yes. Customer: So, which is the one? UNIX consultant: No. 'which' is used to ...
Thu 07 October 1999

Useless Information

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. A whale's penis is called a dork. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent ...
Thu 07 October 1999

Victoria's Secret

Top ten things men shouldn't say out loud in a Victoria's Secret store Does this come in children's sizes? No Thanks. Just Sniffing. I'll be in the dressing room going blind. Mom will love this. Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys Logo on it ...
Thu 07 October 1999

Why e-mail is like a male reproductive organ

Eleven reasons why e-mail is like a male reproductive organ Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think ...
Thu 07 October 1999

Zoo Mime

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that ...
Sun 12 September 1999

At the Doctor's Reception

This woman consulted a doctor, explaining that for many years she sufferred from excessive farting, but there was never any sound or smell so she had done nothing about it. So the Doctor took down all of her medical history, a process that took quite a while. At the end ...
Sun 12 September 1999

Been in Finland Too Long?

You know you have been in Finland too long, when... You rummage through your plastic bag collection to see which ones you should keep to take to the store and which can be sacrificed to garbage. As you walk past the Parliament Building in Helsinki, and see the statue titled ...
Sun 12 September 1999

I'm Glad I'm a Man/Woman

Man, I'm Glad I'm A Man, Man Everyday I give thanks to God I was born a man instead of a broad When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee I go to a barber, not ...
Sun 12 September 1999

Quality Is Supposed To Be Our Most Important Product

A man was carrying two babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came a woman who, seeing the two cute babies, smiled, "Aren't they cute. What are their names?" The man, giving the lady an angry look, replied, "I don't know." The lady asked ...
Sun 12 September 1999

Reasons Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women

Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles. Motorcycles' curves never sag. Motorcycles last longer. Motorcycles don't get pregnant. You can ride a Motorcycle any time of the month. Motorcycles don't have parents. Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong. You can kick your ...
Sun 12 September 1999

Secret NASA Files

(According to reliable sources this is a true story.) STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL FROM THE SECRET ARCHIVE FILES RETAINED AT NASA. NOT TO BE RELEASED TO THE PRESS. When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant ...
Sun 12 September 1999

Signs

In a Rome laundry Ladies leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand Would you like to ride on your own ass? On a ...
Sun 12 September 1999

The Newlyweds

A young farmer couple got married, and they just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. Just before leaving the house for the fields at dawn, they made love, and when the husband returned home at evening they had another go - both before and after supper, and then again a ...
Sun 12 September 1999

The Number of the Beast

666 The number of the Beast 664 The Neighbor of The beast 667 Across the street from the Beast 660 Estimated number of the Beast 666-66-6666 SSN of the Beast 666.0666 The number of the High-Performance Beast 0.666 Number of the milliBeast 1/666 The Denominator of the ...
Sun 12 September 1999

The Whales

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship ...
Sat 11 September 1999

42 Ways To Confuse Your Roommate

Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class. Twitch a lot. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them. Become a subgenius. Inject his ...
Sat 11 September 1999

51 Days

Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots of tequila. He looks at them and says "OK" and pours their shots. They all clink glasses and and yell, "51 days!" Then they proceed to slam the shots, looking very self-satisfied. They look back to the ...
Sat 11 September 1999

Cinderella

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a ...
Sat 11 September 1999

Fun Things to Do During a Boring Lecture

Bring a blowhorn. Use it when you ask or answer a question. Heckle the professor. Hire a video crew to come to the class. If asked about it, say that you have to tape the lecture for a friend. Bring a water gun. Shoot the professor when his back is ...
Sat 11 September 1999

Last Night's Big Date

Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. "So, how'd it go, Harry?" asked Gil. "Terrible," admitted Harry. "The moment we got back to her place the phone started ringing. There must have been fifteen calls from guys wanting ...
Sat 11 September 1999

Lifeguard's Secret

This young man went to the beach in search of girls, and after strolling around for some time, he wasn't even getting a glance from any of them. He began to feel kind of discouraged, and he noticed that they were flirting with the lifeguard. He walked up to ...
Sat 11 September 1999

Mad in Finland

About Mad in Finland The following is by no means representative of Finnish English. The kind of English used by Finns is usually, by European standards, low on errors. In fact, Finns are only too aware of making mistakes. However, certain pronunciation problems can be identified as rather Finnish. So ...
Sat 11 September 1999

McDonnell Douglas Warranty Registration Card

This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of course, does not (have a sense of humor) and made the web department take it down immediately. Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military ...
Sat 11 September 1999

Men and Women Are Not Alike

Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conclusive proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged. Relationships First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as a romance, or a period of ...
Sat 11 September 1999

On Why Women and Men Have Such a Difficult Time Being Just Friends

Men can't go with women to the bathroom. Women complain about the ailments of getting older. Men show off the pot-belly they've acquired and say they want two more just like it! Guy-friends dancing with Gal-friends steers away potential girl/boy-friends (or one-night stands). Gals complain about their ...
Sat 11 September 1999

Pig!

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true ...
Sat 11 September 1999

Radio Conversation

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a U.S. naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95. Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision ...
Sat 11 September 1999

Road Stripers

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head all tried out for the same job as road stripers. The boss told them they would all work for three days and whoever painted the most would get the job. At the end of the first day the red head had painted ...
Sat 11 September 1999

Special High Intensity Training

From: Management To: All Employees Subject: Special High Intensity Training In order to assure the highest levels of quality in the work and productivity from our employees, it will now be our policy to regularly train everyone through our longstanding program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T ...
Sat 11 September 1999

Squeezing Juice out of a Lemon

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then give the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze another drop ...
Sat 11 September 1999

The Stork Family

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him, "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy." The next night ...
Sat 11 September 1999

The World's Best Pickup Lines

I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell I just met the girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her. Is your daddy a thief? ["No ...
Sat 11 September 1999

Thin Foods

Ralph, feeling very ill, goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo tests. After the lengthy exam, he wakes up hungry and quite groggy. Ralph looks about, noticing that he is now in a private room at the hospital. Just then the phone by ...
Sat 11 September 1999

Tips For Your Boss

Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. If it's really a "rush job", run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even ...
Sat 11 September 1999

Warning Label

Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years on trouble-free service, except that you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE ...
Sat 21 August 1999

107 Good Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Women

You can enjoy a BEER all month. BEER stains wash out. You don't have to wine and dine a BEER. Your BEER will always wait patiently for you in the car. When BEER goes flat you toss it out. BEER is never late. HANGOVERS go away. A BEER doesn ...
Sat 21 August 1999

Alricht EuroEnglisch

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year ...
Sat 21 August 1999

Defective Parrot

Ralph decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. Ralph says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" "I ...
Sat 21 August 1999

Dildo

A woman has been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on. One night she grew tired of this and turned on ...
Sat 21 August 1999

How To Get Off Those Stupid Posting Lists?

This is what you need to do. Please read these instructions carefully before beginning. Tools needed: one hammer, one scredriver, one pair of pliers, one heavy-duty pair of wire cutters, one bucket of saline water, a box of sani-wipes. Jokes Stop payment on any checks that you may have sent ...
Sat 21 August 1999

Livestock Show

Ralph takes his wife, Mildred, to the livestock show. As they walk past the pens holding the bulls, Mildred notices a sign by the first bull stating: "This bull mated 50 times last year." Mildred turns to her husband and says, "You could learn from him." They proceed to the ...
Sat 21 August 1999

Me Tarzan, You Jane

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into ...
Sat 21 August 1999

Slow Down or Stop

A police officer (who shall remain nameless) pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign. "May I see your driver's license and registration please?" "What's the problem, officer?" "Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection." "Oh, come on pal ...
Sat 21 August 1999

Speed Limit

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a State Policeman sees a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the ...
Sat 21 August 1999

Titanic vs. Clinton

When watching the Clinton video, did you get the feeling of "deja vu" - of watching something that you had just seen in a similar structure? Well your brain never fails. By reading below, you will see the remarkable similarities between the Clinton Video and the Titanic Video. Was this just ...
Sat 21 August 1999

Toddler Property Laws

I like it, it's mine. It's in my hand, it's mine. I can take it from you, it's mine. I had it a little while ago, it's mine. It's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. I'm doing or ...
Sat 21 August 1999

Viagra Jokes

What do you get when you cross Viagra with Rogaine? Don King. Following the approval of Viagra by the UK's health authorities, the first shipment arrived yesterday at Heathrow airport, but was hijacked on the way to the pharmacy distribution warehouse. Scotland Yard has warned the public to be ...
Sat 21 August 1999

Why Coffee Is Better Than Women

You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee. You can always warm coffee ...
Fri 20 August 1999

At a San Francisco Art Exhibition

At a San Francisco art exhibition, a young woman was staring at a painting of three completely naked black men sitting on a park bench. What was so unusual about the painting was that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the ...
Fri 20 August 1999

At the Porno Store

One day the owner of a porno store goes out for a while, leaving the shop to his salesman. Soon a woman goes into the porno shop. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?" The Shopkeeper answers, "$35." She: "How much for the black one?" He: "$35 for the ...
Fri 20 August 1999

Diary of an AOL User

July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it in case they don't ever send me another one! I can't connect. I don ...
Fri 20 August 1999

His And Hers ATMs

His Pull up to ATM Insert card Enter PIN and account Take cash, card and receipt Drive away Hers Pull up to ATM Back up and pull forward to get closer Shut off engine Put keys in purse Get out of car because you're too far from machine Hunt ...
Fri 20 August 1999

Italianenglish?

(Must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud.) One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want to piss. She says go to ...
Fri 20 August 1999

What I Learned from the Movies

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets which reach up to armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. It's easy for anyone to land ...
Tue 17 August 1999

The Oedipus Complex

Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed. This made my dad my ...
Mon 16 August 1999

A Close Shave

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer, "Just place this between ...
Mon 16 August 1999

Buying a Bra

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife." "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the ...
Mon 16 August 1999

Child of the 80's

You are a child of the 80'S if: You know what a "burnout" is. You know what "Sike" means. You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off". You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer". You wanted to be a Goonie. You know who ...
Mon 16 August 1999

Psychiatric Helpline

Ring, ring. Hello, and welcome to the psychiatric helpline. If you have compulsive obsessions, please press number one several times. If you have problem with the self esteem, ask somebody to press number two for you. If you have multiple personalities, press numbers 4, 5 and 6. If you are ...
Mon 16 August 1999

Raisin Bread

A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely. The ...
Mon 16 August 1999

Three Guys In Heaven

Three guys die and go to heaven. Guy #1 goes up to St. Peter, who says, "I have only one question before you go into heaven, were you faithful to your wife?" Guy #1 answers, "Yes, I never even looked at another woman." St. Peter says, "See that Rolls Royce ...
Sun 15 August 1999

101 Things NOT to Say During Sex

But everybody looks funny naked! You woke me up for that? Did I mention the video camera? Do you smell something burning? (In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead... Try breathing through your nose. A little rug burn never hurt anyone! Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant ...
Sun 15 August 1999

A Little Something to Think About

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. Never underestimate the power ...
Sun 15 August 1999

A Really Bad Day

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and ...
Sun 15 August 1999

Abstinence

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The Pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The ...
Sun 15 August 1999

Are You Politically Correct or a Barbarian?

In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as: Lovemaking Screwing The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared: Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship Your blood-test results ...
Sun 15 August 1999

Fascinate

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'." Sally raised her hand. She ...
Sun 15 August 1999

In the Beginning

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand ...
Sun 15 August 1999

K'ung-Fu-tzu

Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Two wrongs not make a right - Three lefts do. Passionate kiss like spiders web - soon lead to undoing of fly. Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ. Man who ...
Sun 15 August 1999

Light Bulbs

Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A. Only one, but the bulb has got to really want to change. Q. How many software people does it take to change a light bulb? A. None, that's a hardware problem. Q. How many graduate students ...
Tue 03 August 1999

An Adult Pig Story

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest ...
Tue 03 August 1999

Bridge to Hawaii

A man was walking down the beach one day and tripped over a bottle. Out popped a Genie! Then Genie says, "I will grant you one wish." After a minute of pondering the guy says, "I would like you to make me a bridge from here to Hawaii because I ...
Tue 03 August 1999

Camping

Two guys went camping, and after two weeks they thought they needed a break from each other. So they decided to split up for a few days, and meet up back at the campsite. When they returned, the first guy said, "I had the most wonderful time! I hiked for ...
Tue 03 August 1999

Heroic Statues

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from Heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to ...
Tue 03 August 1999

Little Johnny

There was this 5-year-old boy named Johnny, and he was very wise in the ways of the world. His problem was that he was a compulsive gambler and couldn't resist making all these outrageous wagers. "Hey Dad! Behind that pine tree you'll see two squirrels fucking!" The father ...
Tue 03 August 1999

Populating the Earth

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the Earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?" So the Lord gave a brief description to ...
Tue 03 August 1999

The Three Things You Need to Survive

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc ...
Tue 03 August 1999

Top 20 Replies by Programmers When Their Programs Do Not Work

"That's weird..." "It's never done that before." "It worked yesterday." "How is that possible?" "It must be a hardware problem." "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?" "There's something funky in your data." "I haven't touched that module in weeks!" "You must ...
Mon 02 August 1999

Actual Bumper Stickers

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. Horn broken, watch for finger. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. My kid had sex with your honor student. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished ...
Mon 02 August 1999

Choosing the Woman to Marry

A very wealthy man who has three beautiful girlfriends, does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5,000.00 and see how each of them spends it. The first girl goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new ...
Mon 02 August 1999

The President Must Go

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Go" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's ...
Mon 02 August 1999

Wedding Vows

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful ...
Mon 02 August 1999

Words of Wisdom

Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy Dumb man + smart woman = affair Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he ...
Sun 01 August 1999

WordPerfect Helpline

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "termination without cause". This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal: "WordPerfect Technical Desk, may I help you?" "Yes, well ...
Fri 30 July 1999

African Vagina

The following extracts come in response to an advert in a South African women's magazine called Femina. Back in 1985, SA Femina Magazine ran an advertisement for Nelex, a medicine for the treatment of a vaginal infection known as vaginitis. The ad prompted hundreds of letters from sufferers countrywide ...
Fri 30 July 1999

Custer's Last Thought

The curator of a Western art museum commissioned a local artist to paint a mural-sized painting of Custer's last thought. The artist was told to make it highly symbolic of Custer's mindset during the debacle at Little Big Horn. Deep in thought, the artist went to her studio ...
Fri 30 July 1999

Daughters' Marriages

A Mother had three daughters and on their weddings, she tells each one of them to write back about their marriage life. And the first one gets married. The second day the letter arrives with a single message... simply, "Maxwell Coffeehouse." Mother got confused and finally noticed in a Maxwell ...
Fri 30 July 1999

Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with truth. Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a ...
Fri 30 July 1999

Sex the Cat

Everybody who has a cat calls him "Sweety" or "Kitten". I call mine Sex. Sex has been embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex; he said he would like one too ...
Tue 08 June 1999

Engineering Improvements

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of ...
Tue 08 June 1999

Y2K Fix

Subject: Y2K Fix From: Y2K Support Team Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through everk line of code in everk program in everk skstem. We have analkzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified ...
Wed 28 April 1999

Newsflash on Software Testing

Seven Software Companies Added To "Watch List" New York -- People for Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today that seven more software companies have been added to the group's "watch list" of companies that regularly practice software testing. "There is no need for software to be mistreated in this ...
Wed 28 April 1999

The Pianist

A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says. The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here ...
Thu 04 March 1999

Programming Contest

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better computer programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code ...
Thu 03 December 1998

50th Anniversary

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here ...
Thu 03 December 1998

6 Shots of Jagermeister

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on ...
Thu 03 December 1998

Alligator

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close ...
Thu 03 December 1998

Room 1221

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns ...
Thu 03 December 1998

Sexual Statistics

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics ...
Thu 03 December 1998

Waking up from Coma

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor ...
Tue 01 December 1998

Bill Gates Dies and Goes to Hell

Bill Gates dies and goes to Hell. Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. I'll be generous and give you a choice of three ...
Tue 01 December 1998

On a Beautiful Deserted Island

The following of course comes from the anthropology section of the National Geographic library and is based on scientific evidence of European behavioural trends: There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French ...
Mon 26 October 1998

Reply to Spam

Dear: [ ] Clueless Newbie [ ] Loser [ ] indy.netter [ ] Me too'er [ ] Pervert [ ] Geek [ ] Spammer [ ] Nerd [ ] Elvis [ ] Fed [ ] Freak [ ] FLAMENET [ ] AOLer/Euronetter/PIer/MSNetter [ ] Other: Unbearably self-righteous person You Are Being Flamed Because: [ ] You posted a message in a newsgroup other than your topic [ ] You posted a binary in pieces LESS than 5000 ...
Mon 26 October 1998

The Final Proof Why Engineers Don't Make Money

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof that explains why this is true: Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money. As every engineer knows, Work ---- = Power Time Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have Work ----- = Knowledge ...
Fri 21 August 1998

The Five Stages of Drunkenness

Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking ...
Thu 14 May 1998

The Man Whose Penis Made Him Locally Famous

My penis made me locally famous. I didn't find out about it until I got to University. Before then my experience of women was nonexistent. I'd been at a boys' school and anyway I was pretty spotty. I couldn't believe when, all of a sudden, at the ...
Thu 16 April 1998

The Little Old Lady And The Bet

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ...
Tue 07 April 1998

A Very Special Bar

This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to another guy. "This is a nice place, I've never been here", the first guy ...
Tue 31 March 1998

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Teacher To get to the other side. Plato For the greater good. Aristotle It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads. Karl Marx It was a historical inevitability. Timothy Leary Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take. Saddam Hussein This was an unprovoked ...
Thu 05 February 1998

What Men and Women Say and What They Mean

What women say and what they mean Can't we just be friends? = There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of his body touch any part of mine, again. I just need some space = without you in it. Do I look fat in this ...
Wed 04 February 1998

Lose Weight $1.00 Per Pound

Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tries the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, etc. And none worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small ad which read: Lose ...
Tue 18 November 1997

If Beatles was a bunch of Computer Nerds

Yesterday Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday. Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a milestone hanging over me The system crashed so suddenly. I pushed something wrong What ...
Thu 06 March 1997

Love - The Answers

Questions about love, marriage and sex were posed to kids ages 5 to 10. Their answers below are enlightening: What is the proper age to get married? "Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in ...
Wed 12 February 1997

85 Rules and Instructions on Being a Man

Don't call. EVER. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself. Lie. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "Spike" If you lose something that belongs to someone ...
Wed 12 February 1997

How to Hunt Lions

Mathematicians Hunt Lions by throwing out everything that is not a Lion and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique Lion before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of ...
Wed 05 February 1997

Pick-Up Rebuttal Humor

Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic." Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?" Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No ...
Thu 23 January 1997

Conductor

The world's best and most famous conductor makes a small mistake while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience doesn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the performance had finished, he ...
Thu 16 January 1997

Microsoft Humor

One of Microsoft's finest support techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The ...
Wed 01 January 1997

An Engineer and a Princess

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you ...
Wed 01 January 1997

King of Beers

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Senior, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives ...
Wed 01 January 1997

Top 25 Reasons Why Kirk Is a Better Captain Than Picard

Picard's female officers think the captain's "log" is some kind of wimpy electronic journal. Ever see Kirk wearing a freakin' jumpsuit? Picard never met Joan Collins, but if he did, he still couldn't get any. Kirk never straightened out his shirt when he stood up. Kirk's ...
Tue 10 December 1996

Cows

(__) )__( vv vv (oo) (oo) ||----|| * /-------\/ *-------\/ || | / / | || / | || /\-------/ * ||----|| / ||----|| (oo) ^^ ^^ vv vv (~~) USA Cow Nerd USA Cow Australian Cow (__) (__) (__) (00) (-o) (--) . . . (*>YAWN<*) /------\/ /------\/ /------\/ /| || /| || /| || * ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----|| Cow w/ Glasses Flirtatious cow (winking) Cow after pulling an all-nighter O__O \_|_/ (oo) (oo) /-------\/ /-------\/ / | || / | || * ||----|| * ||----|| ^^ ^^ ^^ ^^ Cow at Disneyland Cow visiting the Statue of Liberty \ (__) (__) * (__ ...
Sat 07 December 1996

Girlfriend

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0 marketing name: Fiancee 1.0. Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife 1.0 must be running before he can ...
Thu 05 September 1996

Microsoft Marketing Strategy (MARKET.EXE)

#include #include #include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */ #include /* For the court of law */ #define say(x) lie(x) #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE #define next_year soon #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version void main() { if (latest_window_version>one_month_old) { if (there_are_still_bugs) market(bugfix); if (sales_drop_below_certain_point) raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION); } while(everyone_chats_about_new_version) { make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */ if ...
Sun 25 August 1996

Is Windows a Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do: They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that ...
Mon 06 May 1996

"Star Trek Lost Episodes" Transcript

[Picard] "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?" [Geordi] "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology." [Geordi ...
Thu 11 April 1996

Carpe Diem

Carpe Diem Seize the Day Carpet Diem Seize the Carpet Car Payment Diem Seize the Checkbook Carpe Diarrheam Seize the Toilet Paper Carpe Duh Seize the Idiot Carp Diem Fish of the Day Crampy Diem Seize the Midol Carpe Diet Seize the Rice Cakes Carpe Dig'Em Seize the Sugar ...
Mon 05 February 1996

Help

Befuddled PC users flood help lines, and no question seems to be too basic AUSTIN, Texas - The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp. technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the ...
Fri 19 January 1996

Mermaid

There's these three guys and they're out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says: "Ok ...
Mon 01 January 1996

Gerbil

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Vito Bustone told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Bustone, and his homosexual partner Kiki Rodriguez, had been admitted for treatment after a felching session had ...
Thu 23 November 1995

Shit Happens

In various world religions Protestantism If shit happens, it happens to someone else. If shit happens, praise the lord for it! Catholicism If shit happens, you deserved it. You were born shit, you are shit, and you'll die shit. Lutheranism Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry ...
Tue 07 November 1995

A Classic Chain Letter

YOU WILL EXPERIENCE GREAT SEX within four days of receiving this letter, provided you send it on. Since the copy must tour the world, you must make ten copies and send them to others. This is no joke. Send no money. Send copies to people who need to GET LAID ...
Wed 01 November 1995

Farts

Decide which one you are. Vain A person who loves the smell of his own farts Amiable A person who loves the smell of other people's farts Proud A person who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine Shy A person who releases silent farts and then blushes Impudent A ...
Thu 26 October 1995

Election

A Chinese and an American man were having a conversation. The American said, "In the States we have elections every fourth year. How about you?" The Chisese man replied, "That's awful! I have an election almost evely molning!"
Thu 28 September 1995

Spam by Any Other Name...

Mystery meat lunch: Smooth, pink cubes oozing jelly. It's gotta be SPAM. Millions starve in Chad. U.S. sends massive SPAM aid. Millions starve in Chad. "SPAM" in French is "Spamme." Like Spamme frits and Spamme l'orange. The French are so cool. Pink food dye in can With ...

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