Classifieds

As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:

• Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
• A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
• For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
• Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
• Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
• Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
• No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
• For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
• For Sale. Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
• Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vagetables, salads, quiche. 7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.
• Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
• Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
• 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
• Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
• If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
• Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.
• Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
• The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
• Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
• Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
• Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
• Stock up and save. Limit: one.
• Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
• We build bodies that last a lifetime. Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
• This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
• For Sale. Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
• For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything.
• Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
• Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
• Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
• Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
• Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
• Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
• Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
• 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
• Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
• Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
• Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
• See ladies blouses. 50% off!
• Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
• Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
• Illiterate? Write today for free help.
• Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
• Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
• Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
• Mother's helper - peasant working conditions.
• Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
• And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
• We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

And these beauties from the radio

• Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
• Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for "High Fidelity," designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction.
• When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.
• Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.